Goodbye|Home|Grief|Coda
Goodbye|Home|Grief|Coda
Dementia sucks. Watching someone lose their mind is torturous. It is an unraveling of someone that creates a series of little deaths. As I experience this loss with my dear friend, Judy— a woman I have considered a mother to me for almost 20 years— I have been forced to face my grief of her passing before she even leaves this world. The person she is becoming is not the person I’ve known for years. Her blank stares and confusion are a heartwrenching reminder that death is eminent and on the horizon. From my perspective, death of the Judy I have known has already happened. But dementia requires an acceptance of many deaths- death to independance and freedom. Death to who you though you were. Death to understanding and awareness.
I began painting this image of an emotional embrace of two people as I grappled with the fact that Judy is leaving this world. In a daze she told me recently: “I’m not me. I’m not who I thought I was.” And I realized parts of her were already gone. After each visit that I’ve said goodbye to her, I’ve cried, knowing she will not be the same person the next time I am with her.
Painting this, I imaginged myself holding Judy and reminding her of who she is. Loving and supporting Judy through this coda— this the concluding passage of her life; this pas de deux or finale, has forced me to face my grief head on. Sharing this emotional experience is visceral and raw. But it allows me to let my grief of losing someone I love be witnessed by you. David Kessler writes about how our grief is “as unique as our fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter who they grief, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitued of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” Grief may be unique to each of our experiences, but it is universal. By embracing my grief, I allow myself to be fully human and, in turn, I am able to witness the human experience of others around me and witness their grief without glossing over their pain. By embracing ourselves we can give space to others’ grief. This need for human connection is natural and “in those bonds is the key to our survival”, continues Kessler in his book, Finding Meaning.
Who or what are you saying goodbye to? Are you guiding someone back to their true selves—their home? What are you grieving? Is there a coda in your life that you’re struggling through? I encourage you to share it with others so they can witness it along with you and in doing so create bonds for the survival of you AND your fellow humans.
