“I am a boundaried person.”
Do you struggle with saying no? Do you question your decisions and live with guilt for telling people what you want and don’t want? Have you heard of Nedra Tawwab? If not, then I highly recommend that you pick up a copy of her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
I am a boundaried person #1 (set of three)
From the moment I opened Nedra’s book, my highlighter was uncapped and amplifying a message I have never been able to grasp: “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”
As I ran my finger over the list of signs that I need healthier boundaires I could sense that Nedra’s message was one I needed—-Poor self-care, feeling overwhelmed, having resentment, avoidance, feeling stressed, lack of sleep—- I could identify all of these as having boundary issues in my life.
Nedra slowly walked me through what a lack of boundaries looks like, what healthy boundaries show up as and how to practically impliment voicing my needs to others.
Having grown up in a fundamental baptist home in the midwest with our sole focus on the church building and it’s many activities, I am discovering that boundaries are something I was not programed to have. My default was to please others (esp. God, pastors and church leaders) at the expense of my own well being. This act of “love”, I learned, is holy and admirable. Living with a J.O.Y. (Jesus Others and You) mindset doesn’t leave much(if any) room for healthy emotional or physical intereactions with others, let alone myself!
I found Nedra’s voice to be a breath of fresh air—permission to draw a line in the sand, set fence posts firmly in the ground around me and to begin to work on being ok with expressing what I need and when I need to say no.
The biggest take aways were Nedra’s thoughts on boundaries in relationships. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book to give you an idea of the vast resource this was to me:
“It’s your responsiblity to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships.”
“For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaires, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.”
“Healthy boundaires are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.”
So here’s an additional thought to consider: Did the religion you grew up with (or currently follow) give room for boundaries in your life?
It recently dawned on me that because I grew up as a fundamentalist baptist/evangelical where differences were not respected—personal preferences including gender and sexual , worldviews on life, political values, etc. I was taught that our church’s beliefs/religion were the ONLY TRUE view to hold. Any other denominations just didn’t have all the “correct” beliefs.
As I conintue to unpack this, I am realizing that this belief system left little to no room for me to listen to others, be ok with other peope’s preferences, needs or expectations if they differend from me. In other words: I grew up with very porous boundaries— within myself as well as others around me.
If you find this to be true for yourself, you might find yourself needing to dig deeper into your past to heal the religious trauma connected to a lack of boundary setting and Set Boundaries, Find Peace is a GREAT place to start!
An additional thought on thiis piece of art. This is the first in a series of 3 that I did entitled “I Am a Boundaried Person” I think of boundaries I think of fences. I’ve always thought of barbed wire to be a harsh looking fence, but in reality it does the job, right? no matter what it looks like. I guess boundaries are a little bit like that as well…they don’t always appear nice (especially to the people we are setting boundaries with) but they do the job or communicating a limit or expectation or need. This piece reminds me of those expectations and needs we set that communicate limits to others.
