More Freudenfreude. Less Schadenfreude.

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I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s newest book, Atlas of the Heart. In the second chapter Brene writes about two German words: Schadenfreude (pronounced sha-den-froy-da) and Freudenfreude (pronounced froy-den-froy-da). Schadenfreude is “peasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune.”

I will be the first to confess this word discribes some of my feelings throughout this pandemic…Despite it being the exact opposite of what I want my character to be, I have observed these feelings of pleasure or happiness at someone “getting what they deserve”. Remember the Ted Lasso episdoe where Nate is happy about someone on the team’s pain? Ted Lasso shouts: “This is a schadenfreude-free zone!” Wishing ill on someone or rejoycing in someone’s pain does not build connection. It does not value other people’s differences.

I appreciated Brene’s caviot in saying: “ When we feel relieved, grateful, or even happy that someone who has done something hurtful, unethical, or unjust is held accountable, that’s not schadenfreude.”

So, what is Freudenfreude? The opposite of Schadenfreude!— When we are happy or joyful at someone’s success. This is Freudenfreude.

Brene shares here that her and her husband talk to their kids about Freudenfreude by telling them “good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—-even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame. When something good happens to you, they celebrate your flame. When something good happens to them, you celebrate their flame.” Having their kids hold out their palms with an imaginary light they say: “If this is your flame and the wind picks up, good friends cup their hands around your flame to prevent it from going out. And you do the same for them.” THIS is Freudenfreude!

I want to do a better job at putting my hands around my fellow human’s lights and preventing their flames from going out! Are you in?! Wanna join the “MORE FREUDENFREUDE! LESS SCHADENFREUDE” team?! Let’s follow Brene’s example of “No flame blower-outers” and declare: “More freudenfreude! Less schadenfreude!”

p.s. Also. Read Atlas of the Heart. It’s dynamite! Read it. You will not be sorry.